Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
