I am spending my child support on dildos
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
