stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
