I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
