I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
