So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
