I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
