I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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