I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
