Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
