I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
