On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize