hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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