Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
