oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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