Can i not drive my cunt home
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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