i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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