she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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