So drunk its hurt
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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