so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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