Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
did you just send me my own nude
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
