I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
