I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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