At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
