we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize