In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
