true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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