Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So vagazzling was a success
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
