I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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