Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
