I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The best revenge is premature balding
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize