Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
