Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
