im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got inside last night via doggy door
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
