remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
