it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
