Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
