I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
