Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize