I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize