I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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