Apparently you make a good broom.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
