i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
