You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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