You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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