How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
