My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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