i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
