I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
