youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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