I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm jealous of your bromance
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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