My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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