I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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