I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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