Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
smell my finger.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
we're so committed to being not committed
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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