I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
