if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hippo gnu deer
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
