Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
