just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
