Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
