Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The best revenge is premature balding
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
