I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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